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You are here » Summer Is Coming » Health, Flippancy, Fun, Everything Else » I always sabotage myself.

I always sabotage myself.

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1

  • Posted by: Kizzie
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As some of you know  I am having counselling at the moment. trying to find out why I always sabotage myself

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life never having a settled life till now age 58. Abusive parents and then partners ..Then become ill due to phama greed and now found my own cure. 

I now, since 2011 have lived in my dream home. But then turned into someone who hoarded,  managed to overcome this ( become ill then cured again in this time) and got rid of the stuff, then bought everything I need to turn my little home into my palace, all the decorating items, a new fence to build,  getting rid of everything that didn't make me feel good, and now have a home where I love every bit of furniture  every ornament ,but now I am turning it into a tip ARGH!!!

I deliberately throw rubbish on the floor and every room is a mess. and it stresses me right out as cannot understand why I do this to myself..
Counsellor has some interesting ideas. I take away my own happiness before others can take it from me. .. I have no idea how to be kind to myself., if someone says "you lost weight, you look amazing" cue, a binge and back on the carbs.. "your skin looks lovely" cue, time to pick my face till its a mess. ( on and on the sabotage goes
She says we have to build your foundations, you cannot have a perfect home, till you get your foundations steady. You are scared to be happy as every time you were it was either taken away or beat out of you. You have to believe you are now safe to be happy. You are allowed to care about yourself, its not selfish to make your home into your perfect place ...
We will see how this pans out. Scary stuff what I do to take my own happiness away. .. Came in from the session yesterday and cleaned the kitchen.. I wont pat my own back as done this many times and always mess it right back up again.. . :D
Have to laugh at the things we do to ourselves.. or would sob my heart out.

Watch this space! :D

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2

  • Posted by: Rolling Thunder
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G'day Kizzie, 8-)

Sorry to hear about all the shit you've gone though, that's one hard road to have traveled friend.

Came across a saying, be like a cat with your thought's, pounce on them the minute they pop into your head, be mindful, kind of like a Buddhist monk.   :idea:

A lot of people have trouble with this exercise, it's confronting: Get a small mirror, if not use a large one, look deep into your eye's and say with conviction and meaning, I love you.....see how you feel and what emotions come up, keep at it until you can really feel deep unconditional love for yourself.

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3

  • Posted by: Kizzie
  • Seedling
  • Kizzie
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Very hard for me to be kind to me. I don't need an enemy to destroy myself. 
If fact I am kinder to myself if I have an enemy, as way too busy surviving to hurt myself more.

I will have a look at mindfulness and the mirror thing.   I can pounce on thoughts that are unkind about others but when they are about me then I join in and agree with them.  haha (smilies not working for me )

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4

  • Posted by: Rolling Thunder
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You've heard they saying: Judge not, an ye shall not be judged.

Christianity spin on a philosophical Greek understanding of the human mind, typical Huh!...Now look at this ancient book oh heathen, Fuck off! :mad:  :D

If you have the empathy and the ability for other then you must show it to yourself so as other's can learn the truth about themselves from you.

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5

  • Posted by: Rolling Thunder
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I deliberately throw rubbish on the floor and every room is a mess. and it stresses me right out as cannot understand why I do this to myself..

Don't do it! If you do.....Pick it up straight away, cause you know it's wrong and it will take as much time to pick it up as it took to throw it on the floor. Your conscious mind has more power over your sub conscious, the sub conscious can be trained using the conscious mind, this is not hard, we make choices every day.

There is no harm in admonishing yourself, do so as you would a small child, it's just a part of you that is being naughty, I know it's a bit deeper than that , but that is history please dont let history control you, dont let the anger have the power over you, and pick that rubbish up...Now :D

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6

  • Posted by: Kizzie
  • Seedling
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Thank you, RT, You do make me laugh. x

I cleared half my living room and my kitchen when I came back the other day. It's not a great deal but its a start.
I also bought three bi-fold doors to put up to create a proper living space, with no go areas for Taz. 

Was speaking to the counsellor and she said I know all, I need to know about why I do to me, the things I do, now I just need for it all to "click into place"  If I were the same person as I was, then I would still be feeling ok and right to do it, but now I know I am being unfair to myself. 

It will come.

love you muchly x

Last edited by Kizzie (17th Feb 2017 10:52 am)

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7

  • Posted by: Rolling Thunder
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:)

A  lyric from an old Led Zep song just popped into my, " Everything small has to grow". Song remains the same. I can be a slack bastard, for instance the weeds in the garden start to get away from me but if I do like a mate said to me just pick one or 2 weeds, everyday or when you pass by it's so bad when it comes to a big clean out.

More power to you girl,

xx

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8

  • Posted by: Kizzie
  • Seedling
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Rolling Thunder wrote:

A  lyric from an old Led Zep song just popped into my, " Everything small has to grow". Song remains the same. I can be a slack bastard, for instance the weeds in the garden start to get away from me but if I do like a mate said to me just pick one or 2 weeds, everyday or when you pass by it's so bad when it comes to a big clean out.

More power to you girl,

xx

Ah a message for me for sure. My friend said as much to me yesterday.

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9

  • Posted by: Rolling Thunder
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I see you have delved into the pit of negativity my friend, whats with paddy blake? You two have a history?

:huh:

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10

  • Posted by: mayjen
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Dearest Kizzie, hello. xxxxx

I'm delighted that you're having counselling. How are you feeling? I'm sorry that I wasn't around. It wasn't intentional, I've had computer troubles. But I am back now. :)

Do you agree with your counsellor's ideas? Do you feel that you've been punished every time that you tried to be happy, or that someone did indeed take it away from you?

The good news is that spring is finally here. Man, that winter was fucking boring me to tears, so bleak. I'm seeing daffodils, snowdrops, cyclamen and white flowers on some trees....have to find out the name of these trees. Been meaning to do it for ages, never got round to it!

xxxxx

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